Not Chozen

U said I'll always be there for u, that is until it's time to choose, which is when I loose, so lost and confused, emotionally abused, both my heart and soul are contused, why am I not Chozen or the one picked, how do u stand  having ur ass kicked, repeatedly, until I give up defeatedly, at a certain point, without any clout or coin, i will just move on, instead of submissive I'll transform to dom, perhaps I don't deserve love, shouldn't success be enough, ur too greedy, publically needy, another dirty lil secret, and writing about this shit won't keep it, so then what's my choice, do I suck it up and censor my voice, stay quiet and hidden, stick with sarcastic kidding, act like what we have doesn't exist, wish I knew I was gay back when we were kids, seems I missed most of my opportunity, the odds of finding true love at this point seem puny, can't muni take me straight to an early grave, I feel like god will spitefully strike me down if I don't behave, gotta learn to better ride the waves, stop worrying so much live for the moment and focus on today!

Peace and 1,
JC
11/30/15

Good Day & Good Luck

I'm so sick and tired of trying to find myself, I desperately need professional help, I'm going fricken crazy, if I hear one more person thinks I'm lazy, I'm just gonna blow my damn brains out, feel like my heart's got gout, I know who I am and what I want ya'll just don't think I deserve it, apparently I haven't earned shit, I just can't do enough, constantly defending my choice of pursuing music over love, I mean I'm 33 and still single, imagine being surrounded by unavailable couples who secretly mingle, except when it comes to me, I must be retched ratchet disgusting or straight up fucking ugly, I'm like Dory but instead of swimming I say just keep smiling, they're not really perfect or happy they're faking and lying, I've heard it from the horse's mouth, I have no more strength to verbally bout, I'm finally throwing in the towel and giving up, wish ya'll nothing but the best good day and good luck!

 

Peace and 1,

JC

11/30/15

Outta My Damn Mind

Always get into trouble when writing about certain people, words can work such wonders but can also reek havoc and be evil, I'm far from perfect in fact I'm beautifully flawed, I don't see sex or relationships as a sport, we make up our own limitations and rules, communication tho is the key or the vital tool, it's hard not feeling like sloppy seconds, never the groom always just best friends, and what's so bad about that, don't worry about the love I lack, I've got it in abundance and plenty, I'm not flirting with u it's called being sociable and friendly, at the end of the day I choose music, fortune and fame's a lonely road with a lot of haters so I better get used to it, perhaps this was yet another unwanted sign, it's about that time to finally leave the past behind, get on my grind, and hopefully I'll find an opportunity or my chance to shine, like the bright light/star I was meant to be, I know hip hop and poetry are my destiny, and before u know it u'll have moved on and forgotten all about me, maybe then u'll sleep more soundly, I can't even begin to decide how on earth to say goodbye, it's like the memories of lost loved ones who've died, I'd rather let them eventually fade away cuz after all out of sight means out of mind!

 

Peace and 1,

JC

11/30/15

It's All Out Of Love

Super grateful for the harsh truth and raw honesty I've gotten over the past couple of years, at times it's been tough to take but I've conquered and faced a lot of obstacles and fears, this damn reflection in the mirror, has got me looking colder and older over seeing things realer or clearer, everything I've been thru has made me stronger and the resilient man that I am, that being said I struggle tremendously emotionally holding on as long as I can, hide the pain away behind a bright white fake smile, we're guilty til proven innocent there's no speedy fair jury trial, I feel completely depleated defeated and broken, I wanna crawl back into bed and not stop toking, til my mind goes so hazy lazy and foggy maybe I won't excessively keep overthinking and analyzing, I really can't stand faking it til u make it trying minimizing lying, the happiness u reap will be just as superficial hypocritical and shallow, why is the majority so short sighted one dimensional and narrow, lord give me the strength courage and patience to make my own life choices with conviction and stick to them, or how about u give me a primary partner instead of a kinky semi platonic non mutual best friend, seems he reaps all the benefits gets his smorgasbord of cakes and can eat them too, I'm just the naïve gullible heart-broken sleeping alone fool, I've never had to shield protect and defend myself as much as I've had to being back here in lil Rhodey, I know most of u only know and see me as just Joe or to a rare few Joey, I wish tho sometimes instead of ur overly critical sarcasm ud simply shut up and give me a hug, ya'll challenge the shit outta me but I know it comes from a good place...it's all out of love!

Peace and 1,
JC
11/30/15

Way Off Balance & Unhappy

What if in this life I don't make it big, will I be ok learn to live and be happy with it, I feel like that's a lot to ask, I know that's an argument I'd rather not rehash, I'm really struggling with my purpose, why do we perpetuate bad behavior that only hurts us, I'm such a masochist, a democratic socialist/passifist, come on now my signature is peace and one love, I'm all about weed and hugs, i chose money over monogamy, but how do I stop jealousy and envy from bothering me, everybody seems to be moving ahead forward while I stand still, no matter what I seem to come across spoiled privileged and unfulfilled, perhaps I'm too needy, unbelievably selfish and greedy, maybe I really have no talent, and what I thought was close to equilibrium was way off balance, obviously I don't know myself well, is it time to revisit some professional help, I think the best remedy for me is simply friendship and fair equitable distribution of wealth!

Peace and 1,
JC
11/29/15

Is Love A Kid's Myth

Life ain't fair and I can't get over it, why don't I just let go of shit, perhaps in wanting it all I get nothing, maybe my behavior is what's been disgusting, presumptuously tearing others down out of jealousy and spite, blaming everybody else for my plight isn't right, makes me look like a self absorbed ass, but I have respectfully and nicely asked, scratched ur back, without anything in return, how many times have i been burned, i just want opportunity and support when's it my turn, at what point have i proven and earned, my place in the ranks among the elite, please lord I need relief from all this grief, am I meant to be coupled, or the single third wheel who causes promiscuous trouble, never in a relationship of my own, will I ever recapture that euphoric mirage-like feeling called home, which is where the heart is, perhaps similar to Santa Jesus and other fairy fable tale myths, or the old school cereal called Trix...which is just for kids!

Peace and 1,
JC
11/29/15

Alrighty Then

Glitter glitter everywhere, in the village the lil people have no worries cares or fear, wish we could be like Mary Poppins and jump in there, I've got plenty of imagination to go around, some say too intense verbose and profound, I wanna be world renowned, like Mariah have more # 1s than we can seem to remember/count, and of course here comes negative Nancy, who cares if I play pretend I'm all classy grand and fancy, like Barbara Streisand sings "don't rain on my parade", stop being faggoty girly and gay, just cuz shit isn't going ur way, I was up last night way late, trying to perfect each piece finding their place, please don't come in and destroy my vibe, kill our good hood time, everyone in the ghetto smokes, go ahead and make some more jokes, of course ya'll a bunch of comedians, exploitive capitalistic soulless vultures aka greedy men, another selfish member of the white one percent, as Ace Ventura would say..."alrighty then"!

Peace and 1,
JC
11/29/15